I’m not improving myself even though it’s killing me from inside.
I’m an 18-year-old male, and I can’t seem to make up my mind to improve my health, no matter how much worse it’s getting.
In terms of my physical health, I’ve had asthma since a young age, and after turning 10, it worsened. My doctor prescribed an inhalation powder that I still use to this day. Lately, my asthma has been getting worse, and I’ve found myself taking two capsules in 24 hours instead of my usual one per 24 hours. To be honest, it didn’t have a significant impact on my life until two days ago when I had a mild attack at college and realized I had forgotten my medication. Those grueling four hours made me realize that my health is deteriorating at a faster rate, and my actions are making it worse. However, I don’t seem to care about it. During that four-hour episode, I felt as if I were going to vomit blood, yet my motivation to get healthy was zero. I wasn’t interested in getting better.
My family always advises me to exercise and shows me many YouTube videos on exercise, but I never do, not even watch them. I feel like I don’t want to get better. My hands are really shaky due to long-term side effects of medication, and even though it’s my insecurity, I’m not motivated to address it.
Last year, I had a serious bike accident that left me with a permanent neurological problem in my leg. Some parts of my leg and a significant portion of my foot can’t feel temperature and touch. Doctors suggested that I can improve my condition through exercise, but again, my motivation to get better is nonexistent, and now I probably can’t make any significant improvements (it doesn’t affect me in any functional way).
Now, regarding my mental health: I honestly believe my mental health is severely affected. I don’t have any close friends in real life, and my super close online friends drifted apart this year. One of them was my friend turned crush whom I loved so much , she was a role model and inspiration to me i admired with all my heart , but we had to part ways with last year, and I’m still struggling to move on i still rememberr her everyday
I fucked my JEE and ended up in a Tier 4-5 college with no hopes of making good friends. During my last two years, I can’t remember a single day when life was on my side, and I was happy. My life is monotonous; I barely see the sky. When I’m at home, I go days without going outside and spend long hours, 6-9 hours, glued to the screen, which only exacerbates my lack of social support.
Moreover, my family has been facing financial difficulties for over five years, so we barely spend money on recreational activities; it all goes into mandatory expenses to run the household. I don’t complain about that, but it has made me hesitant to spend money like others do on food, fun activities, and movies. I almost never spend money on what my typical school/college mates do. I don’t really care, but now I feel this has made me miss out on life experiences that are super important. Recently, I posted about my eating habits, mentioning that I’m not eating enough. Since then, I’ve been eating even less, and it makes me so sad thinking about all these things.
I can’t understand what’s wrong with me and why I’m living in this autopilot world where every day feels the same and boring. I don’t want to end my life i want to kill whats inside me , I just want to live happy but im doing absolutely nothing. Every day, I criticize my life and myself for being a asshole and a blob of unhealthy meat.Nothing good happens to me, and I don’t even make an effort anymore. I’m exhausted, and I’m not even trying to do anything.